I heart lyric mistakes

Take, for example, Earth Wind and Fire's "Let's Groove" which I invite you to try and figure out on iTunes or playlist.com. I have no idea what they're actually saying, but it sounds like

"Breakfast tooth, that's in the news"

and

"Hippie Lou, crud in my shoes- It's alright (alright) A-a-al riight"

Another favorite that I've heard lately is The Beach Boys' "Little Deuce Coupe"

which until quite recently I thought was informing me

"It's my little Goose Poop, you don't know what I've got"

I sure don't, Brian Wilson, and I certainly don't want you to tell me what else you've got.

**Expect lots more lyrics posts in the future********

Congratulations on working the dubya dubya

This morning, a man who was a sprightly 103 or so came in to the hotel lobby while I was working the front desk and asked about Priority points and free stays and stuff like that.


OLDIE: "Can you get it to where I get signed up for your club?"
ME: "Well, sir, if you're an existing member I can look you up etc but I can't register you from our system"
OLDIE: (Rattling Sigh) "Well..... I guess I'm going to have to get on that Dubya Dubya"

He just looked at me with his watery eyes and his tone was more like "Well... I guess I'm going to have to stab myself in the neck"

I think there should be a memo sent out in AARP and during the commercials on Wheel of Fortune/Fox News that tells these folks that "The Dubya Dubya is not going to come to life as an evil robot and do you any physical harm- Computers cannot destroy your house or eat your brain"

That would be the best Public Service Announcement ever. I would be happy to star.

Oh, and also there should be a little something at the end about "Be assured none of this will happen.... unless you drive more than 5 miles under the speed limit. This makes the Internet Robots very angry....

And then the little star goes across the screen "The more you Knooowwww"

Why I mute commercials

Technology is for people like me , who don't understand it and think it's AMAZING.
I love to read about the newest satellite phones and rockets and robot surgery. I think the fact that I don't have time to find out how any of it works helps keep it mysterious. I mean I'm one of these people who thinks that the Solitaire cards bouncing when you win is high-tech. "It's like they're FROZEN in TIME" I say every time, and I watch the whole thing.
I do worry that this makes me too much of a sucker for advertising, though. I do know how to use all of that stuff, but maybe being astounded by it makes me vulnerable. (What? it holds 4,000 songs? I don't even know that many songs! I must learn them and then possess this)
(What? I can TALK to this computer directions lady and she'll tell me where to drive? I'll pay anything!)
(Sweet Baby Jesus! It's like that stain never even happened)
So, I've decided to mute commercials and think about other things while they're on. Like how Bill Gates makes those cards dance.

FACT:

What's cooler than vampires who can do Kung Fu?

NOTHING. The End.

See you later...(you know the rest)

Gentle Reader:
It's the middle of the night, and I can't stop thinking about something. Normal people would probably be awake worrying about the mortgage or the boll weevils in the gardenias, but not me. I can't stop thinking about these damned things < > from math class. I can't remember which one is which, and I never could. I'm not exactly a "numbers" person - more on that another time- and these things don't make a whole lot of sense to me.
I remember that one means more than something, and one means there's less than something, but which is which???? I remember some teacher telling us that this thing was an alligator, and it's going to eat up the one that is either less or more. So when I see 51>45, I see an alligator made out of a 4 and a 5 about to eat a 51. But why? is the 45 alligator going to make a snack out of this 51 because it's smaller? Because it's bigger, and the 45 is jealous? I mean it also kind of looks like the 45gator has a toothache and the 51 the dentist. I think the nice thing to do would be for the math people to just TELL US; e.g. "45 is less than 51" or "X is more than 32"

Maybe these little pictures do work for some people. People who understand and compute accordingly,
instead of making up a story in their head about how one number is eating the other one because it is mad about not getting invited to the other number's birthday party, or a sideways chorus line of alligators wielding maracas and singing about how much they love naps.
Those people are obviously crazy.

You don't say

Please cancel my subscription to the No Shit Gazette.

ps.

I think that one of the toughest things about being a baby is how everybody is up in your grill all the time.

I mean people are like "YOU don't need personal space, you're a BABY."

But you know what? The baby isn't happy about this. The baby is just like, "Yes, come closer, so I can remember your face when I'm looking for revenge later"

Let me tell you the story of how I got this Sierra Mist

Picture it: Taco Bell, Tuesday, 10 pm.

So I've got exactly 4 dollars. Not $4.01 or $4 plus tax, just plain old $4.

I pulled up to the drive thru, and I was looking around for thing I liked and could afford, right?

The speaker guy was all, "Let me know when you're ready"

"OK' I said, "I'll have a bean and cheese burrito and a double decker taco s'preme"

"Anything Else for you?"

" How much am I up to?"

"$3.50"

"Nah, that's it. Thanks. Oh, and just a water please"

"Please drive around"

So the pimply adolescent who looked a WHOLE lot like Sci-Fi Greg from Teen Girl Squad

http://www.homestarrunner.com/tgs9.html

who could not have been more than 6, or 14, or something, GIVES ME THE MANHATTAN ONCE OVER, nods his backwards TB-visored head in approval, and in a marvelous display of Whitey Ebonics informs me

"Hey Girl, I'll get you a real drink. Whatchu want?"

"Uh, a, Sierra Mist..?"

"Yeah, that's cool. It's all good. Do you want any (lascivious gaze) sauce??"

"Heuhhh" I faltered.

"Mild...?"

By now I was on the verge of peeing/crying from holding in the raging tide of hilarity inside me;

so I had to speed away... I wish I could have kept the funniest free soda forever....